SOME TIME IN MORE TIME

Posted: October 22, 2012 in Bitch Sessions

by Sharon Feldman

I’ve got nine days sobriety burning a hole in my pocket. Fucking Amish Mormon Weight Watchers shit. But soon will come the Second Coming and it will be Apocalypse and hellfire and demons and cracks in the Earth again. You know, fun. Well I mean it’s really not the second coming. I lost count a few hundred times ago. And it’s not really fun, at least not in the playing Frisbee with your best pals sort of way. Sometimes it just feels better to sprint and rest than to jog endlessly.

I’m not sure whether the drug is the sprint or the rest. Neither feels entirely good but neither feels entirely bad either. Jogging doesn’t feel that bad, but it always feels bad. Sometimes…you know? Sometimes you just want to float. You want to throw the monkey from your back and slam him into the wall and scream in his fucking face. He’ll bite you and he’ll kick you when he comes back, but for a period you are free, and some freedom is better than none.

Oh, and did I mention fuck all you people? Sorry. I didn’t really mean that. I’m a mean sober. And I’ve been on a bender for like nine days now as a I said. Yes, I’m from that state of mind (sobriety), but I don’t consider myself a local. The drug is my home mind. I, in the sense of the set of chemicals that I consider myself, am the drug plus my body and whatever other shit we don’t yet know about.

20 BUCKS AND A KITCHEN KNIFE

Posted: October 22, 2012 in Bitch Sessions

Is there still adventure in this world? I’m not talking about the alpine adventure of a lifetime or an bicycle tour of Europe. I’m talking about a crazy ass, life threatening, shit your pants and love hating every minute of it adventure. I’m talking about exploring the Arctic for the first time in a motherfucking wooden boat, encountering a civilization for the first time, mapping the West. Did those adventures really ever exist? I mean were they adventures or just suffering with purpose? Or just stupidity? Do adventures always exist but I am just too afraid to pursue them? What would I encounter if I walked out the door with 20 bucks and a fucking kitchen knife, never to return, and just kept on walking for years? Would that be an adventure? Would I end up dead and starving in alleyway 100 miles from here? Or worse, would I quit later that night when I got “really” hungry and the emotional fervor that propelled me out the door wore off? Would I go back to my office…to my desk…punching the clock…for the only ever that I will ever know?

Cigarettes may do more for overall coolness than was previously known, according to results of a recently published study in Tobacco Science, a monthly journal dedicated to “finding out the Truth.”

Data from this study suggest children (ages 2-18 years) who smoke 100% organic, all-natural, unfiltered tobacco cigarettes tend to have improved levels of both coolness and awesomeness, as well as improved skin and confidence.

“That guy is just really fucking cool,” remarked Terry, an observer watching one of the participants burn one down. “He seems really tough and sort of mysterious. That’s awesome!”

Additionally, the research suggested that tobacco consumption was not associated with weight gain or obesity and in fact gives you that sleek, sexy look like people in magazines.

As part of the study, researchers analyzed data from the 2005-2009 National Institute of Health survey and found that children who regularly consume 100% organic, all-natural, unfiltered tobacco cigarettes tended to be significantly sweeter in the eyes of their peers, particularly with members of the opposite sex, which was totally awesome.

Moreover, none of the children who consumed 100% organic, all-natural, unfiltered tobacco cigarettes were below the FDA’s recommended daily allowances for flavor and coolness, while nearly 40% of non-consumers were.  Furthermore, the ability to tolerate a diet of mostly black coffee, vodka and diet soda was significantly higher in those children consuming 100% organic, all-natural, unfiltered tobacco cigarettes than in non-consumers.

“A growing body of research has painted a clear picture that 100% organic, all-natural, unfiltered tobacco cigarettes not only give consumers that smooth, satisfying flavor they love, but are also associated with being one really cool dude who just doesn’t give a shit,” said study co-author Janice J. Kelley, PhD, MPH, LDN, RD, MD, OD, JD, professor at the School of Human Ecology at Texas A&M. “Our research adds further support to the association between smoking and just being really, really fucking cool.”

 

Fuck Drat Shit

Posted: October 29, 2011 in Bitch Sessions

“Oh drat! I dropped my photo of me shaking hands with Satan at the 2008 Republican Convention.”                        -One of my coworkers

Don’t get me started on the kind of people who use the word “drat.” Yeah, that D word. Fucking d$%#. What other word could combine all the impotent, anachronistic emotional censorship of “fiddlesticks,” yet actually maintain a significant population of human beings (I use the term “human beings” in the most liberal sense) on this planet (the Earth!), in our current time (2000fucking11!), in my current country (the oosa!), who were born and raised by adult human beings (again, liberal interpretation), who actually use the word drat?

These are sick, malignant fucks beyond all comprehension people. I really don’t even think it’s possible for me to understand the kind of twists and turns your psyche must take before you are capable of such an atrocity. Unless you are an adorable, mildly senile 90 year-old man who wears bow ties and cardigans, enjoys twilight walks and “tending to your garden,” you should not, nay, must not, use the word drat.

There is a special circle of hell reserved just for drat users. All they do for all eternity is watch one and two star movies with curse words dubbed over in the weakest, most meaning-changing way. Motherfuckers become jokers, shitheads become busters, and cocksuckers become wise guys. Then, at some random point throughout each movie, there will be a ten second cut to an erect, hairy, throbbing, veiny penis, just to shake their pious sensibilities to the core. That’ll learn ‘em!

Moneymaking Tips for Patriots

Posted: October 27, 2011 in Life Hacks

In these uncertain economic times, blah, blah, blah. Saving money = good. Day that changed America forever, etc.

1. Release your pets into the wild.

This oldie but goody has become popular recently in the Midwest. Not having to buy walrus food will save more money than you might think.

2. Buy stocks with student loans.

This may come as a surprise to many old people who went to school before college cost the price of a small house, but pretty much anyone with the ability to lift a pen and sign their name can apply for and get hundreds of thousands of dollars for the ostensible purpose of going to college to learn how to drink like an adult. The interest rates are relatively low, too. Usually about 4-9% depending on the type of loan. Just keep in mind that the loans are only dischargeable in death or severe permanently disabling injury, so if your stock picks, college degree or whatever other gamble you choose to take don’t work out, you’re pretty much going to be an indentured servant for the rest of your life.

PRO TIP: Pick an expensive ass school. Even if you’re a retard there are crappy but expensive private schools that will be glad to take your money and enroll you in a degree towards a vague skill of dubious value.

The loan company will send your loan money directly to the school to pay the tuition, but anything you take out over the cost of tuition will be sent back to you as living expenses. This can be as much as $15,000-$20,000 per year. Invest this money in some highly volatile and therefore highly profitable tech stocks. Triple your money. Use the profits to pay back all the loans. Live like a fucking king, fucking all kinds of hot bitches who find massive amounts of money super sexy and sophisticated.

3. Sell your sperm under the table.

Most sperm banks are businesses in business to make money and therefore rip you off. Cut out the middle man. Most women are eager for some fresh, top quality seed from a stud like you. However, the average in-vitro fertilization procedures cost tens of thousands of dollars. That makes doing the procedure at home with some candles and a Barry White CD extremely worth her while…and yours! Plus, not having to deal with all those scary medical instruments and the embarrassment of discussing your plans with a cold-hearted physician is worth its weight in gold. Watch the movie The Postman for tips. Kevin Costner sells his decades old sperm at a post-apocalyptic garage sale.

4. Cynically write a book that tells people everything they want to hear.

It can be about how to lose ungodly amounts of weight in a couple weeks or how to attract the things you want into your life simply by the magical power of wanting shit badly enough. It really doesn’t matter. All you need is a really great result that requires little to no effort and people will buy it, regardless of how many times they have been similarly duped in the past. Read the Bible for tips.

5. Enjoy alcohol irresponsibly.

Despite the government-mandated warnings that drug dealers like Anheuser-Busch are forced to put on their products, drinking way too much is actually really cool and potentially profitable. If I have to tell you how to do it then you’re probably never going to pull it off. Just follow your heart and everything will fall into place.

Top Reasons to Continue Living

Posted: October 27, 2011 in Life Hacks

1.  Out of rope.

2.  Klondike bars.

3.  Turns out mom and dad do understand.

4.  Just joined the cult to get laid.

5.  Serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

6.  Grandma’s Old-Fashioned Homemade Apple Pie.

7.  Tie: The Price is Right and Matlock.

8.  It’s called responsibility!

9.  High as fuck on life.

10.  Still saving up to pay back God for money stolen from collection basket.

11.  Foes still unvanquished.

12.  Still haven’t fulfilled vow made to dying mother to eat every item on Wendy’s value menu in one sitting.

13.  Money.

14.  Sex.

15.  Drugs.

16.  The Wise and Mighty Zoroaster.

17.  Television.

18.  Rock ‘n’ Roll.

19.  Afraid the blinding light of almighty God might cause macular degeneration.

20.  Love that car more than life itself.

21.  Haven’t sobered up yet.

Hobo Peppermint Schnapps Recipe

Posted: October 26, 2011 in Recipes

A wintertime favorite of hobos and high schoolers.

Though created from the cheap, readily-available ingredients in the hobo arsenal, this recipe is surprisingly tasty.  I know many people who prefer it to commercially-produced peppermint schnapps. Compared to the real deal the only thing it lacks is alcohol content. But then again, do you really need that? High alcohol content is how alcoholics are made. This is a drink meant to be enjoyed under the stars with friends, family and a can of pork and beans cooked over an oil can fire. Happy drinking!

YOU WILL NEED:

1.5 liter bottle mint-flavored antiseptic mouthwash – You may use Listerine, but a true hobo would buy generic to save money.

15 sugar packets (roughly five tablespoons) – You can use sweet ‘n’ low or another sugar substitute if you are trying to get rid of your hobo-gut, but the taste will be less hobo-awesome.

10 circular peppermints – These mints are the kind restaurants give away with the check or in a bowl by the cash register.  You can also use a broken-up candy cane. Remember, you’re a hobo, you make use of what is right for the time, not what is perfect. I only list circular peppermints because they are usually the most easily acquired hobo-mint.

Optional:  2 oz pure vanilla extract – The higher the alcohol content the better.  This is added both for flavor and to improve kick.

MIXING INSTRUCTIONS:

(1) Put the sugar and vanilla extract in the bottle of mouthwash. Shake hobo-vigorously until sugar is dissolved.

(2) Place the peppermints in the bottle containing your new mixture and let sit overnight until mints dissolve. Shake once again to ensure evenness.

(3) Hobo peppermint schnapps is best enjoyed straight out of the bottle.  Without the vanilla extract it will be roughly 21.6% alcohol by volume and even with the extract it will only be about 22.3%, so it is recommended that you drink it in swift chugs like fortified wine.  You could add more vanilla extract, but too much will overpower the peppermint and ruin the flavor.  If you really want some hard shit just take swigs of pure vanilla extract and wash it down with the hobo schnapps.